This is why I need to take Memory Booster Vitamins

My 8 year old sons' teacher gave me a soft talking to yesterday.

Ouch!

Why Bren? What happened? I hear you ask.

Oh you know. Because sometimes I suck at this mothering thing.

Well she didn't actually bag my mothering skills per se. That would be plain rudeness yeah?

Instead she did it in a subtle, indirectly accusatory yet very effective His speech on the artefacts assignment should be really done in his own words kind of way.

Ooops!

There were some more teachery words that came out of her lips after that first "punch" but seeing that I got caught out already. My what-say-you does not really matter anymore. So instead I shut my big mouth up, switched off, averted my guilty eyes and went into my invisible you-should-know-better mummy place.

Oh the shame, the shame.

Sorry Miss Teacher. We run out of time (code for I totally forgot about the farking assignment eventhough it was push-pinned on the farking corkboard in the farking kitchen, where ForgetfulMummy would not farking miss it and ohmyfarkinggawd this is the longest code ever).

Long story short. Speech was due on a Tuesday and I only remembered about it ooh about 10pm Monday.

Oh yeah I'm supercalifragilistic like that.

So I had to improvise. I can't NOT have my boy go to his class without his speech. That would be irresponsible parenting no? I am the growp-up here and I have to help him.

Turned out that my help didn't really help him at all.

...I will now walk away and sulk sit quietly at the naughty mummy corner...

It's not you it's me

The hubz is getting a little bit worried that I don't like sleeping with him anymore. No, Ms Dirty Mind not THAT kind of sleeping. But the shutting eye, deep slumber dreaming of Vin Diesel making inappropriate advances towards me type of sleeping.

You see I am a very light sleeper. And hubz is a semi heavy snorer. Not a very good combination especially when you have a little person whose idea of torture is waking up every 2.30 in the AM and won't go back to sleep till at least half an hour later. And oh, her dear mama has to be in her bedroom, sitting in a chair right beside her cot...otherwise she'll just flatly refuse to go back to Sleepland.

Fun times.

And just because the Sleep Fairy has a twisted sense of humour, Ms6 and Mr8 will have to simultaneously wake up from a bad dream round about the same time when the wee one had just started started snoring. But, I am their mother and they need comfort so I will of course let them crawl into the big bed with me.

That's what good mums do right?

Just don't ask me how I ended up in my daughter's bed come morning time. The details are fuzzy. All I know is I want to sleep in a bed where I am the sole occupant. Where no one will kick me, squish me or serenade me with the not-so-lovely sound of their vibrating nasal tissue.

Hence the not sleeping with hubz.

I told him not to worry about it. It's not a big deal. It does not in any way diminish my love for him. We will eventually go back to sleeping together in the same bed once the little wakeful princess has finally mastered the art of sleeping like a normal person. Which is probably gonna happen before she starts kindergarten. She's 20 months now. Only 40 more to go. Yay!

Somehow I don't think that the hubz would wholeheartedly agree to my genius plan.

Forgive me lovey, but please understand that a sleep deprived wife is one cranky wife. And one cranky wife equals no sexy time for you.

And you don't want that do you?

Proof that I am technologically challenged

Look, I love technology and all but seriously sometimes it is way too much for my simpleton brain. I miss the good ole days of analogue TV. Sigh.

Like today, I HAD to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic" because Blockbuster needed it back like ummm yesterday. I absolutely had no choice but to lie down in the comfy sofabed, pop the corn, blast the AC and endure almost 2 hours of Isla Fisher parading in those gorgeous designer outfits and ohmygod those Louboutin Boots are to die for.

So there I was in front of the big TV, ready to escape my reality and let my inner shopaholic out and whaddayouknow

One hundred ten percent brain fart.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, for the life of me couldn't figure out which HDMI thingamajig do I have to select so that the DVD player would you know...play. How fcuking insane is that?

You have no idea what HDMI is do you? Don't worry I don't judge...outwardly.

I've taken the liberty of providing you with a visual aid. Here's the "screenshot".

Excuse the crappy iPhone photo quality but I can't be arsed to use a proper camera. And no I don't know who the background dude is.

Like seriously if you were me would you know which freaking External Input to press?

+++

ps. I was able to watch the movie I just had to ring my tech guy aka my hubby.

pps. It was HDMI 3.

No backing out now

My inner thighs are being touchy feely with each other again.

And THAT could only mean one thing.

I can't pretend anymore. I can't put it off anymore. It's time to REALLY get my not-so-fat arse into gear and lose the *extra* kgs.

I feel heavy, unfit, fugly and did I mention heavy?

And puhleez don't even start with the "My Body is a Wonderland" lecture. Ain't gonna work because TODAY I don't feel that way. at. all.

But I have a plan.

And no it does not involve a nip and tuck. I wish but na-ah. And no it does not involve Reductil because I am still lactating. Ugh-ness! Oh in case you're wondering WTF is Reductil. It's an appetite suppressant drug. It works. Trust me I've used it before and I've lost almost 3 kilos on the first week of taking it. I shit you not! So feel free to ask your GP about it. Just don't forget to thank me later k?!

So anyway here's my plan.

I will do it the long-cut way. I will go to a boxercise class at the boutique gym here in our little village. Why boxercise? Why ever not? I have grumpy management issues at the moment and punching the hell out of that bag would surely ease some of the crankiness away. Dontchathink?

The only thing is the bloody class starts at 6.20 am. It's gonna be a pain in the arse especially on those nights when Ms Little Sleepless decides to torture me with her 2 hourly wake up calls. Ugh-ness again!

But, I have to do it and I am gonna do it.

I just have to harness my superhuman willpower and TRY to steer clear of our local deli. The darn place is now the proud stockist of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.

Waahhhh!!!

A Freebie...Yipeee

I knew blogging was fun. Imagine my absolute delight when Maree over at Buyster Lighting sent me an email a couple of weeks back telling me how she stumbled upon my *little* blog and couldn't seem to stop reading it. Thanks Maree, me and my self-esteem loves you very much. Mwahs.

Anyways Maree has graciously asked me to choose either a giveaway product for my readers or a free product for our home. I chose the latter.

Sorry faithful ones but blood is thicker than water. Harharhar!!!

My lovely monsters kids broke the lamp in their room and we can't exactly afford to buy a new one so Yay for Freebies.

Here's what I've chosen. Isn't it funky funk? I've chosen the white finish because they have run out of the blue ones. Buggeries!

Thanks again Maree. And I look forward to more freebies. ; )

I promise the next one will be for my readers. Trust me...I am a blogger!

Let's talk about hair

Did you know that Brazilian Lasering is now the de-rigueur for pubic hair annihilation?

I kid you not!

A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless had it done recently and it only cost her $700.00. Yeah 700 big ones. Gosh, that's like a month's worth of groceries for my family.

But it's her pubes and she can afford it so why the hell not?

She told me that the actual deforestation procedure didn't hurt the way she imagined it to be. They have a gun errr small hand held laser that zaps the little hairies away. Although she would have to attend about 3-4 more sessions before the hair is completely and permanently gone. Apparently the hair follicles are strong enough to withstand the blasting on the first session and won't fall off till about the 4th day. Talk about holding on to your dear life. And she had to wear goggles during the whole ordeal procedure lest the laser accidentally lands on her eyes and render her functionally blind.

Oh my!

So I asked her why go through it?

Because I am sick and tired of shaving them and it's gonna be a lot cleaner and less messier down there.

Mmmmm....

Come to think of it. Lasering would prove to be heaps cheaper than waxing in the long run. And it's less painful too. And you'll have a neat, shiny, youthful-ish looking vajayjay until the day you die.

Mmmmm....

Nope can't afford it!

Are you Yin or are you Yang?

My husband is pretty much the yang in our marriage. He's the bright, positive spark that keeps my sometimes dark and negative yin in place. It works for us. Not so much though when it's THAT time of the month.

I admit I have my own set of not so lovely flaws and sometimes I can get so caught up in my own drama that I tend to become Ms Unreasonable...at best. But more often than not my more sensible, Mr Nice Guy Husband would always call me out when I am being an immature, irrational moody cow.

Needless to say I'm quite happy that he's my man. Although...I still reserve the right to go on a sex strike. How dare he call me an immature, irrational moody cow!

Hmmph!

***

But...what if both the person in the relationship won't see beyond their irrational, narrow-minded selves? What if one spouse would just blindly take his or her significant other's totally screwed-up point of view? Who's gonna call out on who? Who's gonna tell the other person that he or she is being a complete jackass? Who's gonna do the talking to? Who's gonna tell the other one that he or she may need to adjust the rude attitude complex and perhaps *try* to be a little more understanding of other people's feelings?

***

I remember watching Jay Leno's interview on The View a couple of months back. Yeah I watch The View. Please don't judge me. I am a SAHM after all. Gotta live up to the cliche right?

Anyhow.

One of the girls, I think it was Barbara asked him what was the secret to a long and happy marriage. He and his wife Mavis have been married for about 28 years now which is like an eternity by Hollywood's standard. His simple answer "you marry your conscience."

Hmmm...something tells me that our Mr Jay is a Yin comrade.